Maybe you’ve typed out a message to your sister and deleted it twice. Or you’ve been meaning to ask your partner why they seem so far away lately, but by the time the kids are asleep, neither of you has much conversation left. There never seems to be a particularly good opening.
We don’t think you need to wait for one. At Nunley Family Farm in Tennessee, our starting point is a fairly ordinary question: how can we make it a little easier for this person to tell us what’s going on? Not an intervention over breakfast. Just a conversation they don’t have to brace for.
Leave The Diagnosis Out Of Your Opening
‘You’re burned out’ may be your best guess. It may even be the phrase your family member uses. But you can begin without settling the label. ‘You said you’re tired every morning, and I’m worried about you’ is enough to explain why you’re asking.
There’s also a distinction worth keeping in mind. In its formal definition, the World Health Organization uses burnout for problems tied to ongoing workplace stress, not as a medical diagnosis or a catch-all for every kind of exhaustion. [1] A parent or caregiver can still be struggling badly. The label isn’t what gives you permission to care.
Ask Before You Get Into It
Consider how you’d feel if someone brought up your private difficulties while the whole family was passing dinner plates. Find a quieter opening, away from an audience. You could ask, ‘Have you got a few minutes? I’ve been wanting to check on you.’
They might prefer the phone to sitting across from you. That’s okay. The CDC’s conversation guidance makes room for different formats and recommends setting distractions aside. [2] If you’re offering your attention, put the phone down rather than checking it between their answers.
And if they really are heading out the door, don’t squeeze the conversation into the doorway. Ask when you can call. You can take the concern seriously without insisting that this particular minute must be the minute.
Don’t Bring A List Of Everything They’ve Done Wrong
There is a difference between mentioning a change and reciting a case against someone. ‘You missed the last two dinners; is something going on?’ doesn’t carry the same weight as ‘You never bother with the family anymore.’
We would stick with one observation and let them respond. Maybe your interpretation was off. Maybe there is more going on than you realized. Either way, a lecture makes it harder to find out.
If the answer is a quick ‘I’m fine,’ you needn’t turn it into a cross-examination. You can say, ‘All right. I wanted to ask because I care.’ Then stay in touch. Unless there is a safety concern, an unfinished conversation isn’t a failed one.
Hold Off On The Vacation Suggestion
You may already have an answer forming while they’re still explaining the problem. They need a weekend away. They need to say no at work. They need to stop answering emails at night. Some of that might be worth discussing later, but they haven’t finished yet.
The CDC recommends open questions and supportive responses rather than brushing worries aside or announcing that you know the fix. [2] Try asking what has been particularly difficult this week. You could also ask whether they want ideas or just someone to hear them out.
You don’t have to make every silence comfortable. Give them a moment to find the words. And try not to answer their story with a longer story of your own.
Offer Something With A Day And A Time
Instead of handing over a vague offer of help, think about what you can actually take off their plate. Could you bring dinner on Wednesday? Cover a school pickup? Sit with an older relative while they make a private phone call?
Ask first, and don’t be offended if that isn’t the help they want. If dinner would help, find out about food needs and arrange the drop-off. Don’t leave them organizing a meal delivery that was supposed to make their evening easier.
It doesn’t have to be a large favor. It does have to be one you can keep. They shouldn’t have to remind you three times or console you for forgetting.
Family Support Doesn’t Have To Be The Only Support
If things keep feeling unmanageable or ordinary responsibilities are becoming difficult, suggest speaking with a healthcare professional. NIMH points to primary care as one possible place for an initial mental health screening and a referral. [3] You don’t have to decide what condition they might have before helping them arrange that conversation.
‘Would you like me to sit with you while you make the appointment?’ may be a more useful offer than repeating that they should get help. Let them make their own choices wherever safety allows.
Our farm offers equine and other farm animal-assisted services, farm days, and nature-based experiences. [4] Those are options to ask about if your family member is interested, not a treatment promise. Don’t book a surprise visit to fix them. Farm experiences aren’t a substitute for needed mental health care.
When It Can’t Wait For Another Conversation
Talk about wanting to die or being unable to stay safe needs immediate attention. Ask plainly whether they’re thinking about suicide. NIMH recommends asking directly, listening without judgment, reducing access to lethal means where it can be done safely, and helping the person connect with support. [5]
In the United States, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available by calling or texting 988. You can contact it about someone you’re worried about, too. If there is immediate, life-threatening danger, call 911. Stay with the person if safe while help is arranged; don’t keep a suicide plan secret. This is not a situation to put off for a farm appointment. [3] [5]
Sources And Further Reading
[1] World Health Organization: Burn-out, An Occupational Phenomenon.
[2] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: How To Listen And Support Someone In Need.
[3] National Institute of Mental Health: Help For Mental Illnesses.
[4] Nunley Family Farm: Animal-Assisted And Nature-Based Programs.
[5] National Institute of Mental Health: 5 Action Steps To Help Someone Having Thoughts Of Suicide.
You Can Begin With A Check-In
There’s no need to rehearse until you sound like a counselor. You’re their brother, partner, daughter, or friend. Ask the question in your own words. Remember what they tell you, and make the next check-in about them rather than whether your advice worked.
For families interested in our farm experiences, call Nunley Family Farm at (951) 202-7727. We’re in Hohenwald, Tennessee, and visits require an appointment. Tell us what you’d like to know about our animal-assisted services or farm days, and we’ll talk through the options with you before you make plans to come out.